A pregnant friend asked me for the top three bits of advice I would give to parents expecting a new baby. After much thought, I came up with these:
1. Expect it to suck. This is why I don’t like that video “Orgasmic Birth”. If women who watch that video go into labor and feel anything less than constant ecstasy, their whole birth experience is just hell. You have to go into it with realistic expectations. The same principle applies postpartum. Expect to be exhausted and sore and emotional. Expect breastfeeding to be frustrating and painful and relentless. Expect your partner to be annoying and irrational. Then when you get to sleep for 4 solid hours, you’ll be grateful. When your nipples are only sore for a week, you’ll be relieved. When you cry because your MIL comes over without any cake, you’ll just tell her to get back in her car and go get you one. And your husband will worry you have postpartum depression and you’ll say, “I just gave birth to that woman’s grandchild and she showed up at my house two days later without a cake! That bitch should know better.”
And you’re right. She should.
2. Expect it to suck. Speaking of in-laws and cake, don’t let people come over and suck you of what precious little energy you have. If you have friends and/or family who want to come over and see your beautiful new baby, they need to be ready to earn the privilege for a tiny peek. This requires forethought and preparation while you’re still pregnant. People will offer to help by saying things like, “Let me know if you need anything.” That’s when you get out a piece of paper and say, “What day of the week is good for you? Do you cook? Bake cakes? What exactly can you do?” Have some antibacterial wipes by the kitchen and bathroom sinks and keep things like trash bags and vacuums out so anybody over the age of five can be useful.
You should be able to love and nurture your new baby while everybody else loves and nurtures you.
3. Expect it to suck. And be determined to endure. I’ve seen couples who struggle with their relationship right after they have a baby, and I’ve seen couples who only grow closer together. The ones who get closer act like they are soldiers in the trenches with one another. They seem to have a common enemy: whether it’s poop or consciousness or bills, they feel for one another and they look out for each other. They worry if the other is eating well, or getting enough sleep, and they lovingly wipe baby puke off of each other. When one partner is unkind or selfish, the other lashes out and soon they have a big fight over nothing. Then they think about separation or divorce and realize it’s all just way too expensive. But you also don’t want to raise your child in a dysfunctional family, so you work on it. And then you love each other again and blink and then your kid is grown and gone.
At least that’s how it has gone for me. I wish I could offer some personal experiences from the five times I had a newborn baby, but I honestly don’t remember any of it. I’ve completely blocked it out, and so will you. Don’t worry.
-Heather